Skip to main content

tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  March 17, 2015 12:36am-1:38am PDT

12:36 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to jim parsons, miles teller, wiz khalifa, charlie puth and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania! stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ]
12:37 am
♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- keri russell. senator ted cruz. music from smallpools. featuring the 8g band. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers.
12:38 am
this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers ] very good to hear. and exciting. you guys, it is an exciting time of year. it's almost time for march madness. [ cheers ] march madness is upon us. that's the big tournament where you start out, you start out with 64 teams and in only three weeks you're down to no girlfriend. [ laughter ] pretty impressive. this is interesting. i don't know if you guys saw this. after a mysterious absence vladimir putin, today, appeared in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. you know what that means, a boob job. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] guarantee it. i guarantee it. and we're going to find out quick because that guy doesn't wear a shirt a lot. [ laughter ] pope francis said thursday, that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the
12:39 am
ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. though i wouldn't worry. nobody's going to believe the guy who works at the pizza place. "hey, you know who came in today? the pope." [ laughter ] dude, you got stop smoking weed. you are smoking --. "no, man, the pope came in. he ordered a pizza." [ applause ] any kardashian fans here? [ cheers ] okay. [ laughter ] live your life. live your life. [ laughter ] during last night's season premiere of "keeping up with the kardashians," kim said, that in an effort to get pregnant again, she lays flat after sex to let things marinate. well, her butt is flat. the rest of her is three feet up in the air. [ audience ohs ]
12:40 am
[ laughter ] [ applause ] i think that's the thing she's proudest of. her three-foot butt. but i don't know. just conjecture. just some old fashioned meyers butt conjecture. [ laughter ] a florida woman, this is fascinating to me. a florida woman told police during her arrest that she was caught sitting naked outside a dunkin' donuts because of a dare. caught naked outside of a dunkin' donuts because of a dare. it all start when someone said, "hey, i dare you to smoke this meth." [ laughter and applause ] go on, go on the dare. netflix, in streaming news! [ light laughter ]
12:41 am
netflix has reportedly passed on the opportunity to buy the streaming rights for "seinfeld." yeah, so now the only way you can see an episode of "seinfeld" is if you're a human on earth. [ laughter ] that's it. you're not a human on earth, you are out of luck, my friend. no soup for you. [ cheers and applause ] a bathroom, this is true. a bathroom at an indiana walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. though, i'm just amazed they found something working inside a walmart bathroom. [ applause ] a fully working. i don't believe they were doing that full cleaning for a while if they got a full meth lab up and running.
12:42 am
you know in bathrooms they have the signup sheet of like, the last guy who checked the bathroom, i'd go back and double-check that. [ laughter ] i don't think reggie was doing his due diligence. i checked the first two stalls completely. then glanced at the last eight. so there might be a fully functional meth lab in there. a south african university announced last week that it has completed, this is true, it has completed first successful penis transplant surgery. i have a lot of questions about this. [ laughter ] the most important being how do i get off the organ donor registry? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] because i was cool with kidneys. you can have my kidneys, bro. that's it. [ laughter ]
12:43 am
so that's right, a south african university has completed the first successful penis transplant surgery. the success was a surprise since the patient only went in for lasik. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are we doing, 8g band? so lovely to see you guys. you sound great. everybody have a good weekend? how was everyone's weekend? [ cheers and applause ] very exciting weekend in the meyers family. i talk a lot about our dog frisbee on the show. frisbee, this weekend, met her biological brother for the first time. yeah. now, i know you may be asking how does a dog meet her biological brother? facebook. [ laughter ] her brother sees her on tv, saw a picture of her, wrote on her wall.
12:44 am
and then --. here's how it happened. when my wife bought frisbee, she went to the pet store and frisbee's brother was in the pen right next to her, and she actually played with both dogs before choosing frisbee. and i think has been just haunted for the last three years wondering what happened to frisbee's brother. and has said to me a lot of times, she'll just sort of stare out the window and sort of say, "wouldn't it be fun -- wouldn't it be fun to meet frisbee's brother?" and when your wife says something like that, you have two options. one is you can start looking into the logistics of having her committed to an institution. [ laughter ] or you can say, "that would be fun." so, that's what i did. and my wife, who when she has her mind set on something cannot be stopped, she called the pet store and gave them the date we purchased frisbee and said there was another italian greyhound there purchased in the same week. here's what i'm asking. i'll give you my number and if you can reach out to them, if they want to meet their dog's
12:45 am
biological sister, they can reach out to us. she was counting on the fact that ig owners -- ig is short for italian greyhounds. that's what we call ourselves, ig owners. ig, not to be confused with og, original gangster, which is the exact opposite of ig. in fact, if you own an ig, you can't be an og. [ laughter ] that's just a mathematical thing. but, turns out, my wife was totally right that all ig owners are crazy and immediately they started texting back pictures of frisbee's brother, mister, that's his name. mister going back and forth. and so we made plans, sunday evening we made plans to meet up in a dog park and to have mister and frisbee meet for the first time. and if i told you that when these two dogs saw each other they had instant sibling recognition and started kissing and licking and pawing at each other, if i told you that, i would be a liar. [ laughter ]
12:46 am
[ applause ] because that most definitely did not happen. frisbee went the way she goes with all dogs which is she was [ bleep ] terrified. frisbee reacted the way -- imagine if you had a brother you'd never met and he showed up at the door and you answered it and it was charles manson. that's how frisbee reacted to mister. and mister was a perfectly nice dog with wonderful owners, and i will say we did take some photos. here we are and here's my wife and i with, there's mister and here we are. i will say we took a hundred pictures. at no point did these dogs even make eye contact. [ laughter ] so uninterested they were with one another. but mister's parents jack and phillip were lovely people. we're so happy we got to meet them. and at the end of the day, you know, i thought this was, if anything, more traumatic for frisbee than joy-giving in any way, shape or form.
12:47 am
but then i realized something, which is it was never about frisbee. it was about my wife and i having a good time. [ laughter ] because you know, the dogs don't own the humans, the humans own the dogs. [ laughter ] so thank you so much, mister, for being a part of our sunday. [ cheers and applause ] it was fun. did anyone hear --. does anybody watch the documentary "the jinx" on hbo? does anybody watch that? [ cheers ] yeah. all right. so the finale was on last night. and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the program, it documents the life of robert durst. there's robert there, a man who is suspected of murdering three different people. and this is amazing last night. i have never quite seen an ending to a documentary or anything like this. at the very end of the final episode, the producers played audio of durst that was recorded while he was in the bathroom. his microphone was still on. and in the clip he basically admits to the murders he'd been
12:48 am
denying the whole documentary. so let's check it out. >> killed them all. of course. >> stunning. killed them all, of course. he said that not realizing, his mike was on. and he was arrested -- durst was arrested again on saturday. but you know what? as nice as it is to maybe catch somebody who committed a crime, i got to thinking, you know people say weird stuff to themselves when they're alone all the time. doesn't mean it's true. for example, let's listen to a clip of my audio from after the show last week when i was alone in the bathroom. [ laughter ]
12:49 am
[ laughter ] >> seth: i know. [ laughter ] >> seth: see, people say all kinds of crazy things when they're in the bathroom. no harm, no foul. [ cheers and applause ] guys, we've got an amazing show for you tonight. the star of one of my favorite shows on tv "the americans," keri russell is here. [ cheers and applause ]
12:50 am
also joining us republican senator from texas ted cruz. [ cheers and applause ] can't wait to talk to him. and we'll have music from smallpools. we'll be right back after this with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm jerry bell the second. and i'm jerry bell the third. i'm like a big bear and he's my little cub. this little guy is non-stop. he's always hanging out with his friends. you've got to be prepared to sit at the edge of your seat and be ready to get up. there's no "deep couch sitting." definitely not good for my back. this is the part i really don't like right here. (doorbell) what's that? a package! it's a swiffer wetjet. it almost feels like it's moving itself. this is kind of fun. that comes from my floor? eww! this is deep couch sitting. [jerry bell iii] deep couch sitting!
12:51 am
only better because it's tastes not the holidays.idays. roger, it is 53 days until christmas! it's not reasonable! ya, it is better. oscar mayer carving board gives you all the taste of the holidays, without all the hassle. i've had a lot of hondas...ent over the infiniti we had... we went around the country, talking to people who made the switch to ford. the brand more people buy. and buy again. all-wheel drive is amazing... i felt so secure. i really enjoy the pep in its step... that's the ecoboost... the new image of ford now looks really refined. i drove the fusion... and i never went back. escape was just right. just announced, make the switch to ford and get $750 competitive owner cash on top of other offers
12:52 am
at your local ford dealer. is the naturally refreshing way to enjoy your meals. it's the flavour we all savour, does any food a favor... you gotta be (ah) more (ah) tea! tea-riffic! lipton. be more tea. and now try iced tea in a squeeze. ...don't break up with the witphone you love.... can you imagine? running into your old phone... ...after you get a new phone? awkward. the bring your own phone plan. keep your phone. network. number. half the cost. straight talk® wireless flushiq...
12:53 am
...toilets. with touch-free flush... ...for when things go right. and the peace of mind of... ...overflow protection for when they don't. delta flushiq toilets. see what delta can do. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late
12:54 am
night" everybody. now, we here at the show, we believe that no matter how different two things are they can still have common ground. and to prove it, it's time once again for venn diagrams. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you guys remember venn diagrams? what we do is -- good. we take two seemingly separate groups and find out what they have in common. so daylight saving time finally kicked in last weekend. on one side we have daylight saving time. and on the other side we have a liam neeson action movie. and in the middle we have things that happen twice a year. [ laughter and applause ] looks good. i think it's called, "i'm coming to hell to get ya." coming to hell to get ya. and i will get ya. last week it was announced they'll be releasing a sequel to "frozen." so on one side we have "frozen 2," on the other side we have,
12:55 am
"i'm pregnant," and in the middle we have -- things parents don't want to hear. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in a coin flip they'd probably take "frozen 2." members of oklahoma university's sae chapter were expelled last week after a video surfaced showing them performing a racist chant. so on one side we have a fraternity in oklahoma is racist. on the other side we have aunt judy's roommate is actually her life partner. and in the middle we have, no surprise there. [ laughter ] had a feeling. [ cheers and applause ] had a feeling about sally. new season of "dancing with the stars" premiered tonight. so on one side we have things you see on "dancing with the stars." on the other side we have things you see on a cloudy night. and in the middle we have, no stars. [ cheers and applause ] or if they are stars, i can't name them.
12:56 am
up next, one side we have alcoholism, on the other side catholicism. and in the middle we have st. patrick's day. [ cheers ] that's right. st. patrick's day is tomorrow, so on one side we have shamrock shakes. on the other side we have your biological father. and in the middle we have things that only come around once a year. there are more liam neeson action movies than times you see your father. but liam neeson's going to find your father. that's his next movie. [ laughter ] dad finder. i will find your dad. [ laughter ] and i'm coming to hell to get ya. [ laughter and applause ] you guys up next, on one side we have overplayed songs. on the other side we have the odor on the b train to 155th street. and in the middle we have, uptown funk. [ applause ]
12:57 am
speaking of the subway, on one side we have the new york city subway. on the other side we have a piece of lettuce in your friend's teeth. i don't know what this could be. let's see. if you see something, say something. [ laughter ] if you're a friend. if you're a friend, you say something. finally on one side we have a buffet. on the other side we have one bite of kfc cole slaw, and in the middle we have all you can eat. [ laughter ] that's venn diagrams. we'll be right back with keri russell. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i've just arrived in atlanta and i can't wait to start telling people how switching to geico could save them hundreds of dollars on car insurance. but first, my luggage. ahh, there it is. uh, excuse me sir? i think you've got the wrong bag. >>sorry, they all look alike, you know?
12:58 am
no worries. well, car's here, i can't save people money chatting at the baggage claim all day. geico®. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. we've heard that over 4 hundred million vaevery year. go unused
12:59 am
that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. they're paid vacation days. if you guys agreed to travel more we'll all do better in school. we'll have a better understanding of other cultures. i will learn to parle france. oui oui. we're not asking for much. we just want one more day. [chanting]: one more day! for help planning your one more day, contact mastercard concierge services or download our new app. because one more day is priceless. when sends craig wilson a ready for you alert the second his room is ready, ya know what he becomes? great proposal! let'talk more over golf. great. how about over tennis? even better. a game changer! the ready for you alert, only at waiting quietly, the key to everything. a magic formula of protein and grain, ♪ the sun'll come out, tomorrow.... ♪ tomorrow is yours to claim. ♪the sun'll come out, tomorrow.... ♪ kellogg's. see you at breakfast™. my at&t cell phone bill. in your hand? verizon bill? yeah.
1:00 am
that's cool. nooo... how much are you spending per month? $110 bucks $120 bucks $330 yeeeah... what if sprint could cut your rate plan in half? and give you unlimited talk and text in the u.s., and match your data. goodbye verizon. i am done with at&t. bring in your verizon or at&t bill, turn in your old phone, and we'll cut your rate plan in half. switch now and we'll pay whatever it costs for you to come to sprint.
1:01 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is a very talented actress who continues to earn acclaim for her role as undercover kgb spy elizabeth jennings on the popular series "the americans." it airs wednesdays on fx. let's take a look. >> you lied to me. don't worry, we're not going to do that to you. it's a horrible way to die.
1:02 am
we'll just put a bullet in your head. it will be over like that. >> i'll tell you anything you want. >> seth: please welcome back to the show keri russell. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> good. how are you? >> seth: good. i like that clip because you're such a nice person in real life, but i think it's good to show exactly how terrifying you are on "the americans." [ laughter ] also, thank you so much for wearing the "late night with seth meyers" t- shirt. that's great. [ applause ] i really appreciate it. >> i love this shirt. and i wear it all the time. >> seth: you got it last time you were on the show. >> i got it last time i was on the show. >> seth: and i can prove you're not just b.s.-ing because here's a photo of you just hiking around new york wearing the shirt. so you actually did it. here's my favorite thing about the picture. we probably can't get close enough, but it looks like you're just about to give the middle
1:03 am
finger. you're not giving it but you're thinking about giving it. >> see, so i'm tougher than you think. >> seth: so thank you so much. we love the grass roots, we can't afford advertising, so any time a person wears the t-shirt, that's a really good time for me. >> i do love it, i really love it. >> seth: you are just wrapping up season three. congrats. >> thank you so much. yes. >> seth: it's an intense show. is it a relief when you wrap up a season or is it sad? where are you at? >> oh my gosh. we -- our last day is tomorrow, and we have such -- i have such senioritis. just like you're exhausted. you want to be done and you're like loosey-goosey and laffey. and i think tomorrow night's going to end with a lot of crew and camera guys just pounding beers. >> seth: well, that's good. you guys deserve it. >> yeah. thank you. >> seth: and a good day, tomorrow will be a good day to pound beers. >> i think so. excatly. >> seth: exactly. like you timed it that way. and it's so funny to hear you laughing on set because it doesn't look like a show that's a ton of laughs. you don't watch "the americans" and think, they're having so much fun. you had one of the more intense
1:04 am
television scenes i saw this year where you had to have -- your husband phillip had to pull your tooth out. and it's pretty gnarly. but, i mean, you actually had to have instruments in your mouth. like i wouldn't have even wanted that. >> i kept looking at marnie, our props person, going, "is this clean? is this rusted metal thing clean? they're jabbing down my throat." she said, "it's clean, clean, clean." >> seth: are those fun things to shoot? i mean, or is it just so intense that you can find no enjoyment in it. >> no. i guess that's what's fun about the show. it's so not typical. listen, it's a great job for a girl. it's such a good job for a girl these days. >> seth: well because you were saying, there's not a lot of parts for women quite as kick ass as your character on the show. >> and i'm sort of the unlikable one. it's so rare, i'm not the cozy nice mom. i'm doing the mean stuff. >> seth: you are. >> and it's good. >> seth: very mean on the show. the great part about the show -- you're very mean on the show. and it's very believable. >> on the show. on the show. >> seth: i'm worried how believable it is.
1:05 am
you guys wear so many wigs on the show. >> we do. we do. >> seth: the biggest star of the show are the wigs. this is just one of your many looks. you guys are undercover all the time. that's kind of mousey. then whoa, that's a different lady. oh, that lady couldn't possibly work in an office, but this lady can. [ laughter ] that lady would never be a sad lady walking on the street. she is. so there's so many wigs. >> we name them all, too. >> seth: you name your wigs. >> like that lady in the red coat, we call john denver. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, that's fair. yep. that's a good john denver. i like this one this year. i kind of like this one. i like this lady. >> you know what? the camera boys named that. what do they name it? the girl who's in -- i can't think of it. not joan jett, the girl band. >> seth: on, debbie harry? >> they call her bangsy sometimes. >> seth: bangsy, that's good enough. we'll take it. but here's my thing. i have one note about the show,
1:06 am
which is you guys both wear wigs. >> yes. >> seth: and sometimes you're wearing wigs, you're undercover, and you're having sex with people. that happens a lot on the show. let's just be honest. >> okay, it does happen. >> seth: i think the wigs would fall off all the time. >> what kind of sex are you having? [ laughter ] >> seth: i just -- look, i have all my sex in wigs and every single -- and there's not a time -- there's not a time where i haven't finished without that thing down over my nose. >> i'm getting a clear picture of it all right now. >> seth: you have had to, you speak russian on the show, does that make you nervous when you have to speak lines -- i guess you've been going through a lot of. >> no, it's so easy and fun. i'm learning russian like at 2:00 in the morning after putting a 3-year-old and a 7-year-old down. i should stay awake right now and for three hours cram russian. that's a good idea. >> seth: you're a mother in real life. on the show you're a mother of two as well. and one of the great sort of plot points of this season is you're trying to decide whether or not you're going to recruit your daughter into the kgb.
1:07 am
that actress is so wonderful. >> isn't she great? holly. holly. >> seth: and you -- she's sort of -- she can be trouble and you were trouble as a kid. is this true? i can't believe this is true. but you got kicked out of the brownies. how do you get kicked out of the brownies?. >> by being cool. >> seth: yes. [ laughter ] you were too cool for the brownies. >> one too many cartwheels, i was told. >> seth: then you just moved right on. you were like sorry, brownies, i'm moving on. mickey mouse club. >> the m.m.c. as the cool kids call it. >> seth: you were in the mickey mouse club. now were you there in the same era like the j.t.'s of the world, the aguileras? >> totally. >> seth: you were really? >> although i stand by this fact, yes, it was christina aguilera, and britney spears and justin timberlake, ryan gosling. >> seth: i know all these people. >> i always like to remember to throw him in the mix. no, no, no, you are on the mickey mouse club. >> seth: yeah, you're right. >> i know you're really cool now but -- i like to remind everyone that they were 12 when i was 17. so i was like -- i could drive. >> seth: wow. >> you know what i mean?
1:08 am
>> seth: plus, you were probably like, "you kids want a ride? but be warned, i got kicked out of the brownies." [ laughter ] "so you might want to buckle up." [ applause ] have you ever talked about the m.m.c. with any of those people? >> i like that you just said m.m.c. >> seth: i wanna be one of the cool kids too. >> have i talked about that with who? >> seth: like any of the oldthe old m.m.c.-ers. >> of course. of course, i see them. >> seth: do you ever see timberlake and say, "hey, do you remember that?" >> for real, for real i saw christina aguilera, the last time i saw her was in some lingerie shop in soho. >> seth: okay. >> and i was like -- >> seth: don't spare any details. [ laughter ] take as much time as you need, we won't need commercials tonight. >> i remember going, i'm going to say hi to her. so we did, we said hi. and justin, i see occasionally, like we were at some restaurant after an event and it was a big mixed group of people and i saw him. i went up and i started talking and came back to the table and just blew their minds.
1:09 am
they were like, "how do you know justin timberlake? and i was like, "mickey mouse club." >> seth: like saying mickey mouse club is the opposite of dropping the mike. it's like going down and picking the mike up? [ laughter ] the least cool way to know j.t., let's just say we wore ears and did songs. >> i know, it's so true. like cool kids were like smoking pot and missing class and i was on "the mickey mouse club" doing dance routines to bel biv devoe. >> seth: you can't win them all. you're on a pretty cool show now. >> i am, i am. >> seth: thank you so much for being here. keri russell, everybody. "the americans" airs wednesday nights on fx. we'll be right back with senator ted cruz. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ gets you cleaner, but cottowill it make peopleexture confident enough to go commando?
1:10 am
how was your wiping experience? ok. why do you think ripples are so great? probably ripples would just clean better. yeah, why? just...would pick up more layers. do you feel confident enough to go commando? go commando...uh...yeah sure. congratulations! i did it! how do you feel? fresh! only cottonelle has cleanripple texture, so going cottonelle means you can go commando. cu...favorite book is nice.. but i think women would rather curl up with their favorite man. but here's the thing: about half of men over 40 have some degree of erectile dysfunction. well, viagra helps guys with ed get and keep an erection. and remember, you only take it
1:11 am
when you need it. ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain; it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure side effects include headache, flushing, upset stomach and abnormal vision. to avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than four hours. stop taking viagra and call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease or loss in vision or hearing. ask your doctor about viagra. ♪ ♪ (under loud music) this is t♪ ♪lace. their beard salve is made from ♪ ♪ sustainable tea tree oil and kale... you, my friend, recognize when a trend has reached critical mass. yes, when others focus on one thing, you see what's coming next. you see opportunity. that's what a type e does. and so it begins. with e*trade's investing insights center, you can spot trends before they become trendy. e*trade. opportunity is everywhere.
1:12 am
with all top ten appliance brands.on ♪ like kenmore, the most awarded brand in the industry. and when life happens, more peace of mind with service that's number one nationwide. that's more performance, from the #1 appliance store. start your search at sears.
1:13 am
1:14 am
arthat's why xfinity is perfect for me.. with millions of wifi hotspots all over the place including one right here at the shop now we can stream all things fast and furious. you've done it again, carlos! with the fastest in-home wifi and millions of hotspots, xfinity is perfect for people who love fast. don't miss furious 7, in theaters april 3rd. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everyone. our next guest has served the state of texas as its junior senator since 2013. please welcome to the show, senator ted cruz. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
1:15 am
>> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> it's great to be with you. >> seth: so i have to ask because there's a lot of talk about this. you were in new hampshire this weekend. >> i was. >> seth: i'm from new hampshire. and i will tell you that historically we have found when senators from texas come to new hampshire it's because they want to run for president. there's not a lot -- unless -- it's that or you want to buy cheap liquor at our liquor stores. [ laughter ] >> well, you know, tomorrow is st. patrick's day. >> seth: yes. so that's true. you could have been shopping ahead of time. >> and listen, new hampshire is lovely this time of year. >> seth: right. it's true, it's true. everybody loves it in march. >> and i will tell you, you are a major celebrity there. >> seth: yeah, well, it's a very small state. [ laughter ] >> look, i mean, it was impressive. i mean, i was earning major street cred. i mentioned to a couple of folks i was going to be on your show. they were blown away. >> seth: well, i will say this. when senator obama was on snl in 2007, i went in his dressing room and i was talking to him. and i said, "you know, i'm from new hampshire." he stood right up. he really wanted that.
1:16 am
[ laughter ] when you tell a politician you're from new hampshire, it gets very exciting. >> the real question is, where are you registered to vote? >> seth: i'm registered here. so i can't do you much good. >> yeah, that's -- you could move. >> seth: that's true. you were in new hampshire, and actually i know you're not technically campaigning yet. you're precampaigning, i guess we'd say. you had a moment which shows what the campaign trail can be like. you put a scare into a 3-year-old, through no fault of your own. but let's take a look at this clip, 'cause i did enjoy watching this. >> and the obama/clinton foreign policy of leading from behind -- the whole world's on fire. >> the world's on fire? >> the world is on fire, yes. your world is on fire. >> seth: so i think the important lesson there is you just realized kids are terrible with metaphors. [ laughter ] >> well, it's interesting, though, the next line that occurs after that, and i said, "but your mommy is here, and together we're going to put it out."
1:17 am
>> seth: right. >> and you know, it's interesting, that exchange. because in the last 24 hours there have been 50 media stories that say, "cruz terrifies little girl." and by the end of it i was freddy krueger, i had the fingernails, i mean, it was terrible. now the funny thing is it's not true. the little girl -- actually her mom, i just talked to her mom about a half hour ago. she went on the radio this morning because she was so upset at all these stories. and she said, "my daughter was incredibly happy and in fact turned to me and i said, 'look, ted is going to put out the fire.' and she said, 'he's a fireman?'" >> seth: again, they're so bad with metaphors. [ laughter ] >> he's like marshal on "paw patrol." >> seth: right. >> and so when i talked to her mom this afternoon, her daughter julia was in the background. and she said, "ted cruz is on the phone. who's ted cruz?" and her daughter said, "the fireman!" >> seth: that's great. i think in the end, that girl's problem isn't anything more than her mother doesn't know what 3-year-olds like to do on a saturday.
1:18 am
[ laughter ] "let's go watch a senator talk." [ applause ] i hope she got ice cream on the way there and on the way home. >> although let me point out, there's only one member of the u.s. senate who is known for "green eggs and ham." >> seth: that's true. you are -- your demo is very trending, very on. >> i poll very well in the three to six demographic. [ laughter ] >> seth: now, let's talk -- my question is more about the rhetoric of the world is on fire. now first i got excited because i thought maybe you were coming around on global warming, but that's not the case, right? because i think the world's on fire literally. [ laughter ] hottest year on record. [ cheers ] but you're not there, right? >> you know, it's interesting you say that as i just came back from new hampshire where there's snow and ice everywhere. and my view actually is simple. debates on this should follow science and should follow data. and many of the alarmists on global warming -- they got a problem because the science just doesn't back them up. in particular, satellite data
1:19 am
demonstrates for the last 17 years there's been zero warming, none whatsoever. it's why -- you remember how it used to be called global warming, and then magically the theory changed to climate change? >> seth: sure. >> the reason is it wasn't warming, but the computer models still say it is except the satellites show it's not. >> seth: so you trust satellites more than computers? because i have directv, and i'd rather watch on my computer. when that thing goes out -- >> and you know, cable shows that it's not warming either. >> seth: okay. well there you go. you are known as sort of uncompromising, i think, in a way that you would consider a credit to yourself. not only by democrats but also members of your own party. senator john mccain since apologized for calling you i think a wacko bird. and congressman peter king has said you're not a responsible adult. are these things that just -- is this water off your back? do you not worry about that? >> oh, look, i think you're just trying to sweet talk me.
1:20 am
[ laughter ] >> seth: yeah exactly. look, i'm just quoting. i'm just quoting. >> look, i think a lot of people are fed up with washington. i'll tell you, after -- john mccain actually has become a friend of mine since then. >> seth: okay. i'm glad to hear that. >> we have a very warm relationship. but after he called me a wacko bird, i tell you, it was very interesting. i went home and several places i went, people across texas -- one guy in particular had made a baseball cap with a picture of daffy duck and the word "wacko bird" on it, which i proudly wore and now have in my office. >> seth: well that's great. so it led to merchandising. >> there you go. and actually to this day, the number of people who bring green eggs and ham -- you know, the reason i read "green eggs and ham" -- >> seth: yeah, you were filibustering. >> i was filibustering. 21 hours to stop obamacare. >> seth: gotcha. how did it go? [ cheers ]
1:21 am
okay. sorry. we'll get back. this is interesting. >> it actually went fabulously. because right now obamacare has 37% approval rating and as a result of obamacare, harry reid and the democrats lost the senate, and in 2016 i think we're going to see a very different election result. >> seth: all right. now, in order to get elected president, you have to have at least half of the people have to agree with what your positions are. and i think a lot of people, you know, find the constitution to be a very important thing but there are things like -- let's talk about gay marriage for a second. 59% of americans think gay marriage should be legal. 40% of republicans. yet you just passed a bill saying states should be allowed to decide on their own. why take up that cause now when it seems like it's inevitable that the tide of progress is going to turn that way? >> listen, i'm a constitutionalist. for over 200 years marriage has been a question for the states.
1:22 am
now, personally, i believe in traditional marriage between one man and one woman. but if you want to change the marriage laws the way to do it constitutionally is convince your fellow citizens, go to the state legislature and change it. it shouldn't be the federal government or unelected judges imposing their own definition of marriage. we should instead respect our constitutional system. [ applause ] you know, i read the constitution this morning. i don't know if you are right on all that stuff. you have quite a story. your father is an immigrant. he's from cuba. he actually fought alongside fidel castro. talk me through that. [ laughter ] >> well, he grew up in cuba, born there, grew up there, and when he was 14 he started fighting in the revolution. he was in student council. i don't know. were you on student council? >> seth: i was a class officer. i couldn't get elected to student council. i tried to get one of those judge jobs, because then you can just do whatever you want. [ laughter ]
1:23 am
[ cheers ] "free soda! free soda!" >> you joke, but here your former mayor bloomberg wouldn't like free soda. he would stand in the way of that. >> seth: i was happy about that. everybody is always spilling it on the subway. [ laughter ] >> well, when my dad was 14 he was in the student council. and actually the revolution in cuba came from the student council. i mean, it was a lot cooler. when i was in student council, no one confused us with revolutionaries. but he started fighting when he was 14. he spent four years fighting, was throwing molotov cocktails, was fighting alongside castro. now, none of the kids fighting knew that castro was a communist. batista was a dictator, he was cruel, he was corrupt. and actually batista's army ended up throwing my dad in prison and beating him, torturing him. and he fled cuba in 1957 and came to texas. and when he got here, he was 18. he couldn't speak a word of english. he had a $100.00 sewn into his
1:24 am
underwear. and -- >> seth: d he know about it? or was it one of those things? like a "charlie and the chocolate factory" situation, like, "i got the lucky underwear!" [ laughter ] >> even to this day he has this annoying habit of carrying money in his underwear. i don't know why. his first job was washing dishes making 50 cents an hour. and he learned english, he paid his way through school, and he worked toward starting a small business in the american dream. and you know, seth, the incredible thing -- my dad is my hero, but that's all of our stories. i mean, the amazing thing about america is every one of us has a story just like that. every one of us, we're the children of those who risked everything for freedom. and yeah, look, in your family, i'm sure -- when did your family come to america? >> seth: it was probably late 1800s, $100.00, all nickels. i hope not in his underwear. that would be really uncomfortable.
1:25 am
no, but i see what you're saying. i feel like there's this interesting thing where politicians always say, "i believe america is the greatest country in the world." i don't think any politicians are arguing the other side. i don't think anyone ever runs for president and goes, "number four, i like me some france, feeling good about norway." >> actually, john kerry tried that one. >> seth: i don't think anyone else will try again. now, if you run -- and again, we all know you're going to, but if you run -- [ laughter ] >> seth meyers has just announced for me, ladies and gentlemen. >> seth: this is too small of a show to announce on. i think if you announce on a show, you know what show i'd announce on? "empire." >> excellent. >> seth: everybody's watching that show. [ cheers ] so, thank you so much for being here. it's been an honor. senator ted cruz, everyone. we'll be right back with music from smallpools. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
1:26 am
thanks to the true fans of the bell. ♪ and thanks to the sriracha maniacs. ♪ without all of you, we never would have thought of this. the new sriracha quesarito. layers of our insanely good sriracha sauce in the quesarito you love. only at taco bell. [sfx: bong} eat healthy. . yet up to 90% fall short in getting... ...key nutrients from food alone. let's do more. add one a day men's. complete with key nutrients we may need. plus it helps support healthy blood pressure with vitamin d and magnesium. one a day men's. is the naturally refreshing way to enjoy your meals. it's the flavour we all savour, does any food a favor... you gotta be (ah) more (ah) tea! tea-riffic!
1:27 am
lipton. be more tea. and now try iced tea in a squeeze. [so i use quickbooks and run mye entire business from the cloud. i keep an eye on sales and expenses from anywhere. even down here in the dark i can still see we're having a great month. and celebrate accordingly. i run on quickbooks.that's how i own it. waiting quietly, the key to everything. a magic formula of protein and grain, ♪ the sun'll come out, tomorrow.... ♪ tomorrow is yours to claim. ♪the sun'll come out, tomorrow.... ♪ kellogg's. see you at breakfast™. gotta get that bacon! yummy, crunchy, bacon bacon bacon there in that bag! who wants a beggin' strip? me! i'd get it myself, but i don't have thumbs! mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm it's beggin'!
1:28 am
mmm, i love you. (announcer) beggin' strips...there's no time like beggin' time. you're ready no matter withow long your day gets.gel, stay still, like a statue. just like a statue. really? secret's new clear gel formula gives you 48-hour odor protection and goes on clear for no white marks. look here! so when your day goes on and on and on, outlast it with new secret outlast clear gel.
1:29 am
check out my breakfast! eggs... sausage... ham... bacon... cheese... and sourdough bread. uh, mine's easier. get a load of jack's loaded breakfast sandwich. what's on it? what's not on it? it's like a big ol' breakfast buffet right in your hand.
1:30 am
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody.
1:31 am
tonight's band is gearing up to play south by southwest and next week will release their debut album, "love tap." here to perform "karaoke," please welcome smallpools. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ take me out and we'll care about nothing real nothing real real at all ♪ ♪ pick me up and we'll make this up as we go as we go go along ♪ ♪ take me out and we'll karaoke tonight we feel famous don't we ♪ ♪ pick me up and we'll make a movie i'm acting like the world can't
1:32 am
hold me down down down ♪ ♪ they'll never hold me down down down we'll pass the mic around around around around ♪ ♪ take me out and we'll carry each other home through the lights through the crowd ♪ ♪ pick me up and we'll make this up so it feels like it's real here and now ♪ ♪ take me out and we'll karaoke tonight we feel famous don't we ♪ ♪ pick me up and we'll make a movie i'm acting like the world can't hold me down down down ♪ ♪ they'll never hold me down down down we'll pass the mic around around around around ♪
1:33 am
♪ ♪ ♪ take me out and we'll care about nothing real nothing real real at all ♪ ♪ take me out and we'll karaoke tonight we feel famous don't we ♪ ♪ pick me up and we'll make a movie i'm acting like the world can't hold me down down down ♪ ♪ they'll never hold me down down down we'll pass the mic around around around around ♪ ♪ take me out
1:34 am
and we'll karaoke take me out and we'll karaoke ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: smallpools. download "karaoke" and pre-order "love tap" now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> the "late night" music experience is brought to you by t-mobile. t-mobile is setting music free. want more? visit for we live in a pick and choose world.
1:35 am
choose, choose, choose. but at bedtime? ...why settle for this? enter the sleep number bed. designed to let couples sleep together in individualized comfort. sleepiq technology tells you how well you slept and what adjustments you can make. you like the bed soft. he's more hardcore. so your sleep goes from good to great to wow! now we can all choose amazing sleep, only at a sleep number store. right now, you can save $600 on the number one-rated i8 bed. know better sleep with sleep number. [ inhales, exhales ] [ announcer ] cigarettes are not just dangerous when they're smoked. [ rat squeaking ] they're dangerous long after. cigarette butts are toxic. they release chemicals that poison our water... and harm wildlife. and millions...
1:36 am
are polluting our environment. [ sniffing ] [ seagulls squawking ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to keri russell, senator ted cruz, smallpools. t-mobile and of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
1:37 am
♪ >> carson: hey guys, welcome to "last call." coming to you from sky room here in new york city. i'm carson daly and here's what we got coming your way. let's start with the music, la sera's going to perform from the el rey. in the spotlight we're going to introduce you to "irritable hearts" aurthor, mac mcclelland. right now we're going to take a trip to sadie over in hollywood and talk "battle creek," "the big picture," and much more with the one and only kal penn. take a look. ♪ >> i've always found that the typecasting roles or the roles that are a little more stereotypical, tend to be the more boring roles to play.


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on